This week, I’m building on last week’s Waking theme. If you missed it, go back and read from the beginning. Today, I’m sharing an excerpt from my forthcoming book, which builds on yesterday’s piece “The Ways we Cope: Sex and Chocolate and Alcohol (Oh My!).”

When we experience the pleasure of sex, chocolate, alcohol, or any potentially habit-forming thing, we feel a rush of whizz-bang chemicals. Among those chemicals is the driver of desire: dopamine.

If Dopamine Could Speak

Dopamine—it’s the neurotransmitter fuels our pleasure-seeking and plays a part in instigating, motivating, and rewarding desire. Often called the feel-good neurotransmitter, scientists now believe that dopamine doesn’t so much produce the whizz-bang of pleasure as it directs our brains’ attention to it. Dopamine reminds us, “This feels good; we should do this more.⁠”

Behind every desire, every reward-seeking behavior, you’ll find dopamine—the life of the party—doing its thing.⁠ When a heroin addict has a craving, it’s the dopamine spike in response to some cue that motivates the desire for the rush of the chemical high. When he gets his fix, dopamine works in conjunction with synthetic endorphins to bring a satisfying euphoria. In that euphoria, dopamine etches a groove in the brain, creates a sort of record. What tune does the record play?

Heroin brings the fix.

Dopamine is a lackluster composer, though, and he plays the same tune for each of our Coping Mechanisms, changing a singular lyric. What do I mean?

Groove #1: Mommy’s Wine

At the end of a stressful day picking up after her toddler, mommy jumps on Facebook and pronounces—“It’s Mommy’s Wine Time!” You read the post and before you decide whether you should push the thumbs-up or laugh emoji, the midbrain dumps a load of dopamine into The Reward Center. You’ve had a stressful day too. Don’t you deserve a glass of wine? You go to the kitchen, pour the chardonnay, take a drink, and as the alcohol begins to wash away the stress of your day, your brain releases more dopamine. It’s this dopamine that sings the song: Alcohol brings the fix.

Groove #2: Meghan Markle’s Sweater

You’re searching for that perfect cashmere sweater, dopamine fueling the hunt. That sweater—the Everlane variety made famous by Meghan Markle—has been out of stock for weeks, but you check the website, and it’s available. You add it to the cart, click “CONTINUE TO CHECKOUT.” Anticipating the reward, your brain dumps another load of dopamine into your system. And as you anticipate the arrival of your new cashmere sweater, that dopamine reinforces the message—buying stuff feels good—and for the moment, that dopaminergic music drowns out the want, the pain, stress, as it croons, Buying brings the fix.

Grove #3: Sexual Healing

Dopamine surges in the body before a good romp, and it fuels the message of fixation—sex, sex, sex. When we find that temporal satisfaction (no, that satisfaction is not permanent, Mr. Jagger) the whizz-bang shot of oxytocin and dopamine etch another groove. Sex silences the want, the pain, the stress, whatever, at least for a few hours.

Hear the music? Silence brings the fix.

All the Grooves

It’s this reality of brain chemistry that pushes us toward both making and spending money, playing video games, use (or overuse) of the internet, social media, and consumption (even binge-consumption) of the latest Netflix series.⁠ Dopamine even spikes when you hear the hook to your favorite indie-hipster jam by the Oh Hellos on your bumper-to-bumper morning commute. (Yes, music produces almost addictive brain chemistry. )⁠Every could-be compulsive thing works on the same neurological systems. And though several whizz-bang chemicals might be involved in sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll, one neurotransmitter is common—dopamine. It’s the neurotransmitter that locks the memory of the Whizz-Bang in place, that drives our desire.

Again.

And again.

More please.

Never enough, thank you

***

A Word About These Posts

Over the next year, I’m creating a series of connected pieces, each of which will build on the previous posts. It’s a sober stream of consciousness that began with my Waking series. Where will it go? You’ll have to follow along to find out. So, if you’re not already signed up to receive my daily emails, you know what to do. (And while you’re here, consider picking up my books, Coming Clean and The Book of Waking Up.)